With millions homebound, America’s procrastinators say put the to-do-list away and relax

Experts say it’s time “to pump the brakes”

MINNEAPOLIS (March 28, 2020) – Saying there’s no time like the present, expert procrastinators from middle school to middle age and above have a message to all those non-essential Americans sheltering in place: grab the remote and put your feet up.

“There are people all over this country stuck at home wondering what to do now,” said lifelong procrastinator and accomplished foot dragger Frank Bartmann (who agreed to be interviewed only under a fictitious name).

“Trust me. This is not the time to repaint the kitchen.”

As world health experts advise people to cancel plans, stay home and avoid crowds, Bartmann says all Type A personalities should turn to procrastinators for guidance.

“We actually meant to get our message out a month ago. But, whatever. Here it is—this is our time.”

Bartmann says there’s never been a better time in our nation’s history to crumple up that to-do list and toss it into the wastebasket.

“We believe the results-driven go-getters of the world are playing right into the dirty hands of the coronavirus,” he said. “You all want to be first in line, first to get 1,000 followers and first to board the aircraft. Now, sadly, we’re first in the world in COVID-19 cases.”

Experts like Bartmann say it’s important to recognize there is still no endpoint in sight for this pandemic.

“This is not a three-day weekend. There’s really no point in hitting the big box hardware chain tomorrow because drywall is on sale. “Trust me—that basement remodel can wait.”

The bottom line, according to Bartmann: stand down. “To borrow a sports phrase, we need to ‘run the clock down’ if we’re going to get through this pandemic. It won’t be easy for a lot of people. But it’s our duty as Americans.”

Key messaging
Procrastinators should have credible explanations designed to mothball any tedious task. Bartmann offered examples that can be modified as necessary for maximum impact.

• Car maintenance
This one’s easy. In the immortal words of Disney’s smash hit Frozen, let it go. The repair shops are either closed, or you’ll find people parked in their lobbies. And, this is no time hit up YouTube to figure out how to do an oil change.

• Taxes
Are you kidding? The federal government already kicked that can down the road. You’re golden until July. Put that shoe box full of receipts back in the closet.

• Exercise
A walk around the block is one thing. Beyond that, forget it. All the local gyms are closed. Crowded running trails should be avoided. Best to just sit this one out.

• Household repairs, painting, cleaning, or cooking
Did you miss the memo? We’re in the midst of a runaway, global pandemic. Let’s just get through the day. Mundane tasks like cooking or home maintenance need not distract us. (Pro tip: order takeout)

Bartmann and others say these uncertain times will eventually force people to re-examine their personal values system. If the pandemic lasts six, 12 or even 18 months as some experts predict, Bartmann says the art and science of procrastination is bound to gain momentum.

“We’ve gotten a bad rap for putting things off until the last minute,” he said. “We were mocked and ridiculed. But when this thing is over, they won’t be laughing at us anymore.”

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